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A Southerner is having his breakfast of coffee, grits, biscuits and jam, when a Northerner, chewing obnoxiously on gum, sits down next to him. The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole slice?" Southerner: "yep." Northerner: After blowing a huge bubble, "We don't. Up North we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South." The Northerner has smirk on his face. The Southerner listens in silence. The Northerner persists, "Do you eat jam with biscuits?" Southerner: "Yep." Northerner: Cracking and smacking his gum between his teeth and chuckling, "We don't. Up North after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and then send it down South." Then the Southerner asks, "Y'all have sex up North?" Northerner: "Why, of course, we do." And he pops another big bubble. Southerner: "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use 'em?" Northerner: "We throw them away, of course." Southerner: "We don't. Down South we put 'em in a jar, melt 'em down into bubble gum, and sell 'em to Yankees." |
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You know you're going to a redneck church when..... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." The choir is known as the "OK Chorale." Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as "branding." There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy. |
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